I just do not want to be here, is it in my head or my environment? I do not know.
Still in shock, the grief comes in waves of bad days and even worse days, I need make a change, not knowing what that will be, but something else, may be new, could be retrospective, picking up on something from the past as yet unfinished.
Right now, I’m taking the biggest intake and biggest exhale, but still can’t breathe.
All the feelings and emotions tripping me over, my mind in neutral, it’s that I don’t care, I couldn’t care less, or more, very much in limbo.
I had parents, now I’m a half orphan, adult but feel so much a child now missing one half, now understanding the term parental unit, whatever the dynamic, half gone is half gone.
Having to be continuously strong, never going to become a victim, being the parent to a parent, helping them learn anew how to look after themselves, cooking cleaning, laundry, shopping. Holding them, watching them breakdown and weep uncontrollably from the grief and pain of a heart broken. But, who will support me? Who hold me up when I fall?
I need a new place, maybe a city or village or country, I do not know, just want, no, need to get out of here.
Selfish? Maybe, but I need to grow, I’ve reached my peak here, ok and happy, but bored and unchallenged.
I’m in a personal hell, in a place I don’t want to be, with friends I don’t want to be with, there’s only one person, irrelevant of location, that would feel like home, she’ll be there for me, I know this, countries apart, therefore not here, only a short friendship so far, but a kindred spirit, where are you my angel?
I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t know where I want to be, which is the issue. How can you physically and mentally move on when you do not know where to want to move on to?
Some say it is not the destination but the journey. I disagree, as without something to aim for it is aimless, therefore not productive and progression, real development does not take place and you are really kidding yourself.